Have a Laugh on Me

Though I am guilty of it, I know it is wrong to have a laugh at another’s expense. In this case, I am giving you permission to laugh at my expense, so no need for guilt.

For those who don’t know me well, I like to keep everything I own looking and functioning like new. I fuss over little nicks and scratches, I don’t like leaks and spills marring the finish of anything. I like to keep everything neat, clean and orderly.

I came to our lake house this weekend to have a little break, and to build a ramp connecting our back yard area to the terraced area where our house is located. The change in elevation is about 2 feet between our backyard and the area in which the house is built. I wanted to build a ramp so it would be possible to drive our lawn tractor up into that section of the yard to mow it. I bought the lawn tractor used, but the owner had kept it in great condition so it looked and good as new. I like it that way.

I worked all day building the ramp. It was a more labor-intensive and time consuming task than I anticipated. I had mis-judged the amount of decking needed, so I had to make a trip into town to get more lumber. I had hoped to fit in some fishing, and maybe a nice walk in the woods, but the ramp job took all the time I had. After driving the last nail I decided to start up the tractor and try out the ramp. After working all day I was anxious to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

I had some trouble getting the tractor onto the ramp, but I added an extra piece to the bottom of the ramp and fixed the problem. Just as I was at the top of the ramp almost onto the upper lawn, the tractor hung up. It seems that the transition was too abrupt and the frame hung up on the top edge of the ramp. I jostled and shook the tractor around and it moved off the ramp into the lawn area. I figured I would have to add a few pieces of lumber to the top of the ramp, but was generally feeling that my work for the day was a success. I mowed the lawn area in about 5 minutes. Before installing the ramp it took me 30 minutes with a weed trimmer to do the job. I was feeling like I had done a pretty smart thing building that ramp.

While maneuvering the tractor around the area I found myself getting pretty close to bumping it into obstacles, like trees, the stairway, the fence, etc. I thought to myself “your son will probably smash the front of this tractor into something when you ask him to mow the property, so don’t get all upset when it doesn’t look perfect anymore.” I guess that was a premonition.

I finished mowing the area, then headed down the ramp. The tractor got stuck on the ramp. Wanting to play it safe I shut off the motor, put it neutral, then stepped off to get it unstuck. I lifted and tugged and got it unstuck. Then, it began to roll down the ramp. I grabbed the back of the seat and tried to stop the tractor. It wouldn’t stop. It picked up speed rather quickly. I switched my grip to the rear fenders to try to get better control. I lost my footing and started down the ramp hanging on to the fenders and sliding down the ramp on my behind. I quickly looked left and right, making sure no on saw me (this is an automatic reaction, hard-wired into the genetic code of all men). I popped myself back onto my feet and began running behind the tractor. I was grasping at anything to regain control of it as it picked up speed heading down the steep slope of our backyard. I flailed at the steering wheel and managed to prevent a direct collision with a tree. In retrospect, that may have not been a wise move. The tractor hit a glancing blow to the tree then began barreling down the sharp decline headed towards the storage shed. I was no longer keeping up with the tractor. The redirection after hitting the tree slowed me down a bit, so at this point I was just running and flailing at the tractor, but having no effect at slowing it down or steering it away from the shed. The tractor picked up speed for what seemed about 30 minutes (actually about 0.75 seconds) then after reaching terminal velocity slammed head-on into the side of the shed. The side of the shed deflected about 3 inches, and I think the rear wheels of the tractor came off the ground when it stopped. I heard items falling off the shelves in the shed.

I was moving so fast that I couldn’t slow down before bouncing off the tractor and landing on the ground next to it. I sat on the ground, processing what just happened. Oh golly! Those weren't my exact thoughts. I am certain that if someone had a video camera trained on me this would have made “America’s Funniest Videos.” I am so grateful that no one had a camera.

With great effort I pulled the tractor back off the shed. The sheet metal is bent, both headlights are popped out, and the cowling doesn’t fit right anymore. I don’t have to worry about my son messing up the tractor. I beat him to it.