Voyage

The title of my blog “Stumbling Toward God” isn’t just an attention-grabbing title, it is actually what I feel like I have been doing most of my life. I try to know God better, and serve Him better, but I seem to trip over many things and I often trip over myself.

I’m still learning that relationships hold a higher ranking than accomplishments. For some that comes easy. For me it does not. It is our voyage that is the goal, not the outcome of our efforts. It is a voyage largely into the unkown. I could be called the stumbling voyager.

Here is an excerpt from a recent devotional “My Utmost for His Highest” that articulates my thoughts well:

“We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.”


So, I’ve been trying to add “activities with other humans” to my daily “to do” list. If I don’t put it on the list, I won’t do it. Isn’t that “interesting.” An example of this is, last weekend I actually did very little “productive” activity. I spent a lot of time with family and friends, below are some photos to prove it. That was time well spent, even though I had to convince myself it was okay to not work for about 1 day. I’m learning.

The first photo is one of our new boat. If you look closely you can read the name of the boat "Voyager."

WebCam

Well I set up my webcam and skype account so I can talk with my friend and business associate in Thailand. I hope to set up connections with other friends and business associates. Here is a goofy little recording I did to test it out. I'm glad I got this, I needed something to fill the extra 15 seconds of spare time I have each day!

Engineering Nerdiness

Some of the things that I consider interesting, or even exciting, would bore most people to tears. I am evaluating new solid-modeling and 2D design software, and I'm really excited about it. Engineers typically design using 2D design software, and sometimes get to use 3D (solid modeling) software. Both programs are expensive, typically out of reach of individuals. The 3D stuff costs several thousand dollars. But...we finally have two viable competitors that offer nearly identical programs to the most popular (really expensive) ones, at about 1/5 the price. That is why I'm excited.

So...I've been hunkered over my keyboard the last few days fiddling around with these programs during the trial period, to make sure they are worth the investment. Isn't that just about the most exciting thing you've heard of? I doubt it.

Reunion

We just got home from my 30 year high school reunion. Wow, 30 years, no wonder I feel old-I am! It was great fun talking with so many people I hadn't seen in so long. It was interesting to learn what courses their lives had taken.


Some people were divorced, some never married, some have battled thyroid cancer, some are rocket scientists, some are ministers working for Pat Robertson, some are opening night clubs, some are airline pilots, some live in the U.K., some have lived in Australia, everyone has an interesting story.











I wish I had talked to these people more when I actually was going to the high school.

HFD

My family recently went on a vacation to California, it was great fun. We were there on Father's day. I have re-typed the Father's day card that my 12 year-old daughter typed up and printed using the Hotel's computer. These are the kinds of words I hope all Fathers get to hear, at least once and awhile. I am very grateful for them. Here is what she wrote to me (verbatim, I didn't even have to correct spelling):

"There are not enough words to express how grateful we are to have such a great Dad. Not only do you come to our ceremonies and games, but when you don't you're somewhere else working as hard as you can to suport us as a family. We also want to thank you for the small things you do for us, like making dinner or picking out a wonderful movie for us to watch together. Not to mention that you're the reason we are now on vacation. There, of course, have been some challenges this Father's Day. We had hoped to bring you cards we had already bought and signed, but unfortunately we forget to pack them. We wish you a wonderful Father's Day anyway, to the best Dad anyone could ask for!"

I'm a fortunate father to have a daughter like that, wouldn't you agree?

The Void

We’ve all heard it before, and we understand it intellectually, but remembering it and practicing it in our daily lives is difficult. We all have a void in us. We all have this sense of incompleteness. We try to fill the void with activities, productivity, projects, sports, food, various pleasures, etc. The list is endless. These never properly fill the void, but just offer temporary relief of our sense of incompleteness.

In September of 2007 an event occurred in my life that made me acutely aware of my void. Until recently I have felt the pain, the emptiness, like hunger pains, but more focused in the center of my being. I tried to fill the void with activities, immersing myself in my work, but it never brought lasting satisfaction. The Creator put a hole in my being that only can be filled with one thing. That is right, you know what I’m talking about, I’m talking about a boat-shaped hole. You see, I sold my boat last year, and have been feeling empty and incomplete ever since. Only a boat can fill that void, anything else just brings temporary relief. So, coming to terms with this truth, we bought a boat. It is a big boat, and we love it. My family is back on the water again with me and it feels great!

The photo is a manufacturer’s photo of a later model version of our boat. I haven’t taken photos of our boat yet, I’ve been too busy driving it around the lake. Yee Haww! I love boating.

Mountains and Molehills, Forced Perspective

The photograph is of one of three cranes that I designed undergoing load testing on a rig offshore in Thailand. This project is what has consumed most of my life since October 2007. The load test was a success. The load could be lifted and lowered 35 feet, moved fore and aft 50 feet and inboard and outboard 25 feet. Passing the load test was a huge relief, but that is not the end of the story.

I was going to title this post “Failure, When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough” but that was just a bit too cynical, and it puts the emphasis on the wrong way to approach life. This post starts out gloomy, but has a happy ending.

I recently experienced a few events that triggered a lot of negative and stressful thought patterns about my self, my life, and life in general. I was informed by one of the rig managers that they decided that the crane control system (that I designed) was unsafe and they won’t use them. Even though we passed the load test, the controls were not good enough. So, I have to design a better system and go back to Thailand to install and test it. I failed to design a suitable control system. I usually didn’t finish that sentence when I repeated it in my mind. I just stopped at “I failed.” A day later I got a call telling me that another crane I designed failed during testing. I failed to consider a load case scenario in my analysis. So, I had to design some reinforcements and the client will have to re-work all three cranes. Again, all I really needed to remind myself is that “I failed.” My visit to the doctor revealed that my diet and exercise routine has failed to reduce my blood pressure and cholesterol levels. In fact both had increased considerably. Now I’m on more blood pressure medication and taking medication to lower my cholesterol. When I tell people of my cardiovascular troubles, many quickly give me their opinion of the problem, “too much stress,” “too much red meat,” “not enough exercise,” etc. Though well-intended, these answers all point to me failing to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Once again, “I failed.” If all other aspects of my life were in perfect harmony (marriage, children, etc.) these other events would be easier to handle. But, that is not the case. To make matters worse, I started doing a quick review of my past failures, being careful not to leave any out. So, I have been crushed for the past couple weeks. That is how I best describe the feeling, crushed. But I didn’t need to be, it was completely unnecessary.

I struggle with keeping my perspective properly proportioned. What I often do is what some people call “making a mountain out of a molehill.” I prefer to think that I suffer from “forced perspective.” This phrase refers to a technique used in photography and filmmaking to convince the audience that an object is larger or smaller than it really is. Here is the definition from Wikipedia:

“Forced Perspective is a technique that employs optical illusion to make an object appear farther, closer, larger or smaller than it actually is.”

This technique has been used for many, many years and it is very effective. It was used in “The Passion of the Christ” when spikes were driven into the actor’s hands. Forced perspective can convince us that something is true, when it is actually false. It can convince us that something is relatively important, when it is relatively unimportant. The events that happened to me recently triggered a forced perspective reaction. I, with the help of a few others in both the natural and supernatural world, became convinced that these events have far greater significance and meaning than they actually do. I know that these things that happened are genuine problems with genuine consequences, and they have to be dealt with. What I have a hard time “knowing” is how big these things are compared to the important things in life. By “important” I mean important to God. Also, I have a hard time knowing the meaning of such problems when they come up. Often, I use this equation to derive the meaning (I’m an engineer, I can’t help it):

(Mistake in design + Problems raising children + Problems in marriage) x Health Problems = I’m a failure

You can see the equation is quite simple, anyone can use this equation and apply it to their own lives. I only recommend it if there is a desire to be stressed, irritable and depressed. But, God has stepped in and helped to take what I intellectually understood, and move it closer to my heart. I hope this perspective sticks with me, because I like it much better. Here is one of His equations:

(Mistakes in all endeavors + Problems in all relationships) x Health Problems = Human living on earth

He has revealed to me that my life on this earth is just a blip in the entire history of the world and the entire history of the world is just a blip in the entire history of the universe and the entire history of the universe is just a blip compared to eternity in heaven. So, just how much weight can my daily issues really carry? How much can it matter if I am “successful” in handling each challenge that comes my way? The precise amount as I have calculated it is, not much.

So, if “successful” achievements and resolution of problems aren’t so important, what is important? What is most important is my relationship to God and my relationship with the people in my life. More specifically, it is important that I seek to know God and serve him, and to know the people in my life and serve them. We all need to move closer to God, and help others move closer to God. What God is really looking at is not so much my performance, but my heart. He is looking at my motives. If my motives are aligned with loving God and loving the people in my life, then I am living successfully, and He is pleased with me.

I don’t have to fret over making the right decision. I don’t have to be stressed-out in effort to avoid making mistakes. I don’t have to worry about the outcome of the numerous “failures” in my performance. If I keep my motives aligned properly, then I will successfully be used by God to do the tasks that He has prepared for me (see Eph 2:10). If I love God and am called to His purpose, I can not fail, I can not be a failure (see Rom 8:28). I know everyone has heard these things before. But getting these truths into my ears, through my brain, down my throat and into my heart is a slow, painful process. I just hope I don’t gag and throw them up before they take root in my heart.

Family

I apologize for having such a long time span between posts. I've been busy, and trying to spend as much time as I can with my family. So, when I thought "hey, I'm going to run up to my office and write a funny post," I would cancel that notion and go spend that time with my wife or kids. I decided that they needed my attention more. It has become more obvious to me lately that relationships really out-rank the other activities in life in regards to having lasting value, and in regards to the beneficial effects.

My wife and I recently read a book "My Descent Into Death." It has been a real eye-opener for both of us. We also recently read "90 Minutes in Heaven." Each of these books reminded me about the importance of maintaining an eternal perspective. Sometimes (too often) my life gets really small. What I mean is that I am so focused on one little problem or circumstance that it becomes the most important thing in the universe, maybe even the only thing in the universe! That type of perspective has not served me that well. The world is big. I know that, because I've seen a lot of it. The universes is even bigger, and God and the heavens are even bigger than that. So, my little concerns that consume so much of my energy are about as significant as (insert clever and humorous analogy of your choice here, I've run out of time).